a bit of free writing

Random

I'm sitting here on a Sunday evening and the house is reasonably quiet, and I'm thinking that by about now, the blog post for this week should have been written and I should just be putting the finishing touches to editing it before finally being semi-happy with it (because me the writer is never fully content with what I've written) and hitting the "Post" button with what is probably a sense of relief.  There.  Done.

Or not, actually.

I'm sitting on the floor writing away with my AlphaSmart NEO (bit of a plug there, eh Renaissance Learning????) and my thoughts and my focus, are, quite frankly, a mess.

But let's step back a little, because this is no ordinary Sunday.  Its the 11th September 2011.  The tenth anniversary of the day the world changed.

There aren't many events in a person's life which have worldwide impact.  Those days where a person can say to you "Where were you when....?" And you know exactly what they mean and you know exactly where you were.

Where I was 10 years ago isn't important.  But I feel the same overwhelming sense of sadness now that I did then.  Perhaps worse now, because the full extent of what happened is now known.  Now we know the full story.  Then we were watching it unfold before our eyes.  It was real.  It was really real.


Today I was watching some of the ceremony on TV and listening to it on the radio and I was feeling quite annoyed that the broadcasters felt the need to dip in and out of the events.  I found it insulting that the relatives almost missed out (here in the UK) on the chance for having their voices heard.  And we are therefore denied the chance to share in their memories.

At the same time, I'm clearing out a section of my room where paperwork has piled up on top of itself.  This is another painful memory because it speaks of a failure to complete a set course which had become an ambition.  And still is.

I hadn't cleared it out because it would mean confronting a past failure and I was trying to move forward, not look back.  But I recognise that part of moving forward means dealing with difficult emotions from the past.  Only then can we let difficult memories go and move forward with our lives.

Perhaps its easier to be compassionate when helping others, but easier to be self-critical when looking at our own behaviours.  I have long since learnt that for me this is a defence mechanism.  I'll be harsher with myself before others get the chance to criticise.  This is something that I'm working on changing.

Speaking of change, the next couple of weeks promise to be weeks of upheaval as I attempt to take further steps on moving forward in life and career. 

In respect of writing, I'm aware that the screen writer Jane Espenson has "writing sprints".  I was thinking about doing one for today, but didn't feel that it was appropriate.  I intend to do one for next week.

Until then, have a good week and take care of yourselves.

Joe.