Day by day.
The crossover from 2012 to 2013 was a difficult one for me.
In late August last year a very good and close friend of mine died. It was very sudden and I have been left reeling with the shock. He was a month away from his 40th birthday and I was very much looking forward to celebrating it with him as he is/was barely six months older than me, and I had known him for nearly 30 years.
When someone close to you dies you know that your life is never going to be the same again, and I was shaken by this fact that all life should never be taken for granted.
Which, I guess, I did.
We live under a false illusion that we are all going to live until we are old and so are the people that we know and care about.
After he died I very much wanted Time to stop moving. Because every second that Time moved forward was Time that was taking me further away from the point that he was alive.
Coping with a death isn’t easy. Its an unwanted change on our lives and I wrote about Change yesterday. In 2012.
Unlike the kind of Change I wrote about previously, we have no control over this one. It just happens – often without any kind of warning – and we are left with the fallout. The person who we thought would be there forever are suddenly gone and we have to deal with the emotion left by this harsh separation.
The thing about Life is that it doesn’t ever stop. It’s relentless and will always move forward and sometimes we have to adjust.
Like the Change that I was writing about, this isn’t easy. You have my permission to ignore anybody who tells you that you have to “move on”. That “life goes on”. I want to write that you can slap them because I’m sure that that would be how you really feel, but I don’t condone violence and can’t have you going around slapping people because I said so. That would be wrong. Do not hurt people, okay?
When a young person dies its even harder because often the parents are still alive. No parent should have to bury their child. Its something that I can’t imagine and yet I see the parents of my friend, and they have had to do this.
To mark the New Year I went to see my friend at the Cemetery today, as I have done before. I haven’t got used to this and don’t know if I ever will. But at least I have somewhere to go to see him. To talk to him, because having that outlet, that ability to communicate whatever we feel, is absolutely essential to maintain stable emotional health.
Yes we do need to let go, and move forwards, but we need to do this at a pace that suits us. We need to be able to communicate how we feel to people who will be patient and listen without emotion. Sometimes the we people that we see everyday don’t have the patience to do this. There are lots of places that can provide bereavement counselling, and if you are ever feeling low after a bereavement I would recommend this.
You do not “get over” a loss, but it is possible to come to terms with it. Talking about it ALWAYS helps. You are never alone. And be aware that this process takes time. It will take as long as it takes. Cherish memories of the past but also make sure that you don’t ignore the present, because you are important too. Learn to live your life. Day by day.
Take care and have a happy 2013.
Joe.
