Sudden Impact

In mid July, I was involved in a car accident. 
 
It was mid afternoon.  Dry weather, no rain. I was crossing a busy road, cutting straight across. I was in my car, not, thankfully on foot.  I would not be here writing if I was on foot, or rather, in my wheelchair.
 
I saw a clear gap, and made my move to cross.  I was three quarters of the way across when my car was hit.  The sound of one car hitting another is one of the most distinctive sounds in the world.  I've heard it before and I didn't expect to hear it again.
 
Near misses happen all of the time.  Every day, every hour, every minute, somebody has a near miss.  Both parties might be shaken for a second, then life takes over and they move on.  But sometimes people aren't so lucky, and its not a near miss.
 
A witness - one of my closest friends - said that the other driver was speeding.  
He must have been, because I saw the gap as clear.  I don't remember.  I felt his car slam into mine and then may half a second later the airbags went off.  Exploded in my face.  I didn't know what the hell that was.  I know now.  But I felt like my own car was punishing me for being hit.
 
I was hit.  Well, my car was.  On the passenger's side.
 
I've put it that way deliberately.  I was hit.  I thank whatever gods are out there that my girlfriend was not in the car at the time.  I was glad she wasn't in the car.  That fear chills me.  I would have failed to keep her safe. And had she been hurt I don't think that I would ever have forgiven myself.
 
I have - or had - a Honda Civic - one of the old types, not the new futuristic ones.  I chose it because I found that I could get my chair into the car without too much difficulty.  I also thank my brother-in-law for insisting that I get a car with a high safety rating.  I thought that he was being picky at the time. Maybe not so picky, after all.   When you get hit at speeds of over 40 mph side on, its  your car that gets the whack.  But its your spirit that feels the bruises.
 
Whatever frame they put around the car, it was solid.  I'm going to be writing to Honda and NCAP for keeping me alive.  It might sound small and unneccessary, but its important to me.
 
Accidents happen, so the saying goes.  That's why we have insurance.  The people who say that don't know how soul destroying motor insurance companies are.  Especially when you make a claim.
 
After the accident, I was sitting in my chair on the pavement, waiting for the RAC to pick the car up and take it to the garage.  I don't remember being forceful with the paramedic to say that I was okay and I didn't need to go to hospital. To say that I was in shock was an understatement.  Its human nature for people to slow down and look and the smashed up cars as they drive by.  People want to know about the misfortunes of others.  Its annoying and depressing and the stare and assess and make conclusions.  But, sitting here now, I know that its human nature.  Maybe those people are just glad that its not them, I don't know.
 
I didn't need to go to hospital.  I was in shock yes, but not physically hurt.  I had a lot of stuff going on, disability-wise, and I had only been at the hospital a few hours before.  But I was okay.  More or less.  I think that I didn't want to leave my car.  I don't know if I thought it then, but I definitely had that thought at night, before I went to bed.  I am used to knowing that outside my bedroom window, on the driveway, my car sits there.
 
Here's the thing about accidents.  They're normal and they happen.  My rational mind knows this.  You don't ever contemplate that they're going to happen to you.
 
The other part of me....  the other part of me now feels vulnerable, and exposed.  My car was hit, and damaged to the extent that it was not financially viable to repair.  Whilst it was my car was hit, I know that for the past few weeks, I've been feeling winded and stunned.
 
Now I should be grateful.  Nobody was hurt.  I have a wounded sense of self, but "the main thing is that the only damage was to the car".  Those people are trying to be helpful, but the words sound oddly hollow to me.
 
But a car to me represents a control over my life.  An independence, that I'd never understood or appreciated until it was taken away by force.  I'm trying to nail down exactly what's going on with me.  And I think that its the sudden change.  No, the sudden impact on my life.  In my world.
 
A couple of weeks on and I have a new second car car.   Again, a Civic, but a couple of years old than the one I had before.  And this one is silver, as opposed to black as my old one was.
 
I sat behind the wheel of my "new" car over the weekend..  It's dashboard, is almost the same, but certain dials are different colours.  I'm glad for the difference.  I think that its the small things that are going to keep me sane.
It represents a return to independence, or normality, whatever that is.  Maybe a step forwards away from a difficult episode.  As I write this, I anticipate sitting behind the wheel again. It will not be my first time since the accident.  I drove a courtesy car for five days after the accident and because there were a few differences wtih the hand controls and the car, I was very.... anxious?  no, a little highly strung would be more accurate.  I had only just come away from one accident and had no desire to be in another.  Yes, MoreTh>n were good enough to get me a car with hand controls.  They came up with the goods, surprisingly.  For a while.
 
"As long as you're not hurt..." that's what they say.
 
I tell myself that its going to take time, for my mind to move forward.   it won't happen overnight.  One step forwards.

    One day at a time.