The news that I'd been silently dreading has happened.
My favourite author, Iain (M) Banks has passed away.
This is a sad day for the literary world. A sad day for readers everywhere.
All readers think that their authors write for them and them alone. Its a special connection that I don't think really happens with film or any other art. Its a personal connection. I used to go to the Library Theatre in Birmingham to hear him speak and there must have been at least 200 people in the audience thinking that this wonderful, witty and charming man was speaking to them and them alone.
Sad man that I am, I've just downloaded a couple of my favourite Iain Banks books onto my Kindle - even though I've got them in paperback and hardback. Including and especially Against A Dark Background.
Iain might have thought this was amusing. I hope so.
Even though I don't drink Iain, I will raise a glass and salute you. Thank you for your time with us and more importantly, with me. I have enjoyed many hours reading your books. I shall enjoy many more reading them again and again.
Peace be with you my friend. Wherever you are.
Joe.
Sunday, 9 June 2013
Thursday, 4 April 2013
Letter to Iain Banks
Dear Iain,
Firstly, congratulations on your wedding, I am hoping that you are having a wonderful honeymoon.
Secondly, I need to tell you how saddened I was to hear the news yesterday. We have actually met three times when you did book signings in Birmingham Library Theatre (Inversions which you did with Ken MacLeod, Look To Windward, and most recently Surface Detail, where you very kindly had a photograph taken with myself and my best friend Andrew). I wish that I could send you that photo as a reminder as it is a cherished memory for me. I will be putting this on my blog, as well as photographs from that event.
Thirdly I need to thank you. You have taken me on many amazing journeys, some in Scotland with Prentice McHoan whose grandmother's pacemaker exploded, some in Great Britain, around the world with Kate Telman, and across Time, the Universe, and multiple galaxies especially with Lady Sharrow - who I remember telling you once is my favourite character. And i didn't have to pay travel fair (but I guess that the cost of the books may count - a minor issue, considering the journeys and the company. (Network Rail - take note).
Iain, every reader must feel a special connection with you, as I do from reading your books (reading them again now will be a different journey.) I did want to write to say thank you, not only for the long, exciting and sometimes scary journeys that I have been on with you, but also for the wonderful talks that you have given over the years. I will be putting this on my blog as well as the photograph that we took with you and of the event.
I do hope that every day brings you and Adele as much joy and happiness as you have given to us all.
Thank you once again, my friend.
Navinder
Firstly, congratulations on your wedding, I am hoping that you are having a wonderful honeymoon.
Secondly, I need to tell you how saddened I was to hear the news yesterday. We have actually met three times when you did book signings in Birmingham Library Theatre (Inversions which you did with Ken MacLeod, Look To Windward, and most recently Surface Detail, where you very kindly had a photograph taken with myself and my best friend Andrew). I wish that I could send you that photo as a reminder as it is a cherished memory for me. I will be putting this on my blog, as well as photographs from that event.
Thirdly I need to thank you. You have taken me on many amazing journeys, some in Scotland with Prentice McHoan whose grandmother's pacemaker exploded, some in Great Britain, around the world with Kate Telman, and across Time, the Universe, and multiple galaxies especially with Lady Sharrow - who I remember telling you once is my favourite character. And i didn't have to pay travel fair (but I guess that the cost of the books may count - a minor issue, considering the journeys and the company. (Network Rail - take note).
Iain, every reader must feel a special connection with you, as I do from reading your books (reading them again now will be a different journey.) I did want to write to say thank you, not only for the long, exciting and sometimes scary journeys that I have been on with you, but also for the wonderful talks that you have given over the years. I will be putting this on my blog as well as the photograph that we took with you and of the event.
I do hope that every day brings you and Adele as much joy and happiness as you have given to us all.
Thank you once again, my friend.
Navinder
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Day by day.
Day by day.
The crossover from 2012 to 2013 was a difficult one for me.
In late August last year a very good and close friend of mine died. It was very sudden and I have been left reeling with the shock. He was a month away from his 40th birthday and I was very much looking forward to celebrating it with him as he is/was barely six months older than me, and I had known him for nearly 30 years.
When someone close to you dies you know that your life is never going to be the same again, and I was shaken by this fact that all life should never be taken for granted.
Which, I guess, I did.
We live under a false illusion that we are all going to live until we are old and so are the people that we know and care about.
After he died I very much wanted Time to stop moving. Because every second that Time moved forward was Time that was taking me further away from the point that he was alive.
Coping with a death isn’t easy. Its an unwanted change on our lives and I wrote about Change yesterday. In 2012.
Unlike the kind of Change I wrote about previously, we have no control over this one. It just happens – often without any kind of warning – and we are left with the fallout. The person who we thought would be there forever are suddenly gone and we have to deal with the emotion left by this harsh separation.
The thing about Life is that it doesn’t ever stop. It’s relentless and will always move forward and sometimes we have to adjust.
Like the Change that I was writing about, this isn’t easy. You have my permission to ignore anybody who tells you that you have to “move on”. That “life goes on”. I want to write that you can slap them because I’m sure that that would be how you really feel, but I don’t condone violence and can’t have you going around slapping people because I said so. That would be wrong. Do not hurt people, okay?
When a young person dies its even harder because often the parents are still alive. No parent should have to bury their child. Its something that I can’t imagine and yet I see the parents of my friend, and they have had to do this.
To mark the New Year I went to see my friend at the Cemetery today, as I have done before. I haven’t got used to this and don’t know if I ever will. But at least I have somewhere to go to see him. To talk to him, because having that outlet, that ability to communicate whatever we feel, is absolutely essential to maintain stable emotional health.
Yes we do need to let go, and move forwards, but we need to do this at a pace that suits us. We need to be able to communicate how we feel to people who will be patient and listen without emotion. Sometimes the we people that we see everyday don’t have the patience to do this. There are lots of places that can provide bereavement counselling, and if you are ever feeling low after a bereavement I would recommend this.
You do not “get over” a loss, but it is possible to come to terms with it. Talking about it ALWAYS helps. You are never alone. And be aware that this process takes time. It will take as long as it takes. Cherish memories of the past but also make sure that you don’t ignore the present, because you are important too. Learn to live your life. Day by day.
Take care and have a happy 2013.
Joe.
The crossover from 2012 to 2013 was a difficult one for me.
In late August last year a very good and close friend of mine died. It was very sudden and I have been left reeling with the shock. He was a month away from his 40th birthday and I was very much looking forward to celebrating it with him as he is/was barely six months older than me, and I had known him for nearly 30 years.
When someone close to you dies you know that your life is never going to be the same again, and I was shaken by this fact that all life should never be taken for granted.
Which, I guess, I did.
We live under a false illusion that we are all going to live until we are old and so are the people that we know and care about.
After he died I very much wanted Time to stop moving. Because every second that Time moved forward was Time that was taking me further away from the point that he was alive.
Coping with a death isn’t easy. Its an unwanted change on our lives and I wrote about Change yesterday. In 2012.
Unlike the kind of Change I wrote about previously, we have no control over this one. It just happens – often without any kind of warning – and we are left with the fallout. The person who we thought would be there forever are suddenly gone and we have to deal with the emotion left by this harsh separation.
The thing about Life is that it doesn’t ever stop. It’s relentless and will always move forward and sometimes we have to adjust.
Like the Change that I was writing about, this isn’t easy. You have my permission to ignore anybody who tells you that you have to “move on”. That “life goes on”. I want to write that you can slap them because I’m sure that that would be how you really feel, but I don’t condone violence and can’t have you going around slapping people because I said so. That would be wrong. Do not hurt people, okay?
When a young person dies its even harder because often the parents are still alive. No parent should have to bury their child. Its something that I can’t imagine and yet I see the parents of my friend, and they have had to do this.
To mark the New Year I went to see my friend at the Cemetery today, as I have done before. I haven’t got used to this and don’t know if I ever will. But at least I have somewhere to go to see him. To talk to him, because having that outlet, that ability to communicate whatever we feel, is absolutely essential to maintain stable emotional health.
Yes we do need to let go, and move forwards, but we need to do this at a pace that suits us. We need to be able to communicate how we feel to people who will be patient and listen without emotion. Sometimes the we people that we see everyday don’t have the patience to do this. There are lots of places that can provide bereavement counselling, and if you are ever feeling low after a bereavement I would recommend this.
You do not “get over” a loss, but it is possible to come to terms with it. Talking about it ALWAYS helps. You are never alone. And be aware that this process takes time. It will take as long as it takes. Cherish memories of the past but also make sure that you don’t ignore the present, because you are important too. Learn to live your life. Day by day.
Take care and have a happy 2013.
Joe.
Monday, 31 December 2012
Change
Hi,
I've been away for a while Now I'm back.
At the time of writing, I’ll be saying farewell to 2012 and hello, how are you to 2013.
Usually at this time, people make resolutions for the coming year, myself included.
More often than not these resolutions are about change. Something that a person wants to change about themselves.
The thing about change is that its inevitable. It happens throughout your life and more often than not, its something that we don’t have control over. And invariably, things that we don’t have control over, are things that we don’t like.
We, generally speaking, like control. We like to feel that we are in control of things. This gives us a sense of security and comfort: two things which are important for emotional wellbeing.
Change is sleeping alone in unfamiliar territory. The first time that we try it, we’re on edge because we’re far away from our comfort zone and all the things that we felt comfortable about are often calling us back, it’s safer being back here.
Yes, it is. Its safer being in that comfort zone. But at one point the comfort zone where you are now was once scary and uncomfortable and you became accustomed to it. And comfortable with it. So you know that you can cope with change. Because you did it before.
So you’re sitting here thinking about the resolutions that you want to make and often they include behaviours that you want to change: either habits that you want to stop, eg stop smoking, or habits that you want to acquire, eg going to a gym.
Now while you’re thinking about making these resolutions there are a couple of things that you have to know about change.
1. They’re scary.
2. Its difficult.
3. You can do it.
The first two are really important to acknowledge. Change is scary and difficult. We don’t like it because it means moving away from what we already know and feel comfortable with to things that we don’t know and can unnerve us. If it was easy we’d do it all the time.
The last point is a mantra – its something that you have to tell yourself. Change is possible but you have to believe that you can do it. Self-belief will get you three-quarters across. Positive encouragement from others will help the rest of the way.
So now you’ve made that resolution and you know that you’re committed to making that change, how do you go about it?
Here are some suggestions:
Make small changes. Nobody has ever said that you have to make that massive change all in one go. Set small achievable targets. Easy ones. And once you’ve met them, raise the bar a little. And a little more. And a little more.
Don’t make the changes alone. Eg, if you want to join a gym, do it with a friend. Or tell people about it and they can encourage you. Use Twitter, its anonymous. Just ignore all the negative sods. Set a routine and you can provide positive encouragement to each other.
Change is inevitable. Its scary and most of all, its part of life. Its one of the few things that we can count on happening in our lives. So, make your resolutions and put them into effect.
Happy New Year.
Monday, 30 July 2012
Sudden Impact
In mid July, I was involved in a car accident.
It was mid afternoon. Dry weather, no rain. I was crossing a busy road, cutting straight across. I was in my car, not, thankfully on foot. I would not be here writing if I was on foot, or rather, in my wheelchair.
I saw a clear gap, and made my move to cross. I was three quarters of the way across when my car was hit. The sound of one car hitting another is one of the most distinctive sounds in the world. I've heard it before and I didn't expect to hear it again.
Near misses happen all of the time. Every day, every hour, every minute, somebody has a near miss. Both parties might be shaken for a second, then life takes over and they move on. But sometimes people aren't so lucky, and its not a near miss.
A witness - one of my closest friends - said that the other driver was speeding.
He must have been, because I saw the gap as clear. I don't remember. I felt his car slam into mine and then may half a second later the airbags went off. Exploded in my face. I didn't know what the hell that was. I know now. But I felt like my own car was punishing me for being hit.
I was hit. Well, my car was. On the passenger's side.
I've put it that way deliberately. I was hit. I thank whatever gods are out there that my girlfriend was not in the car at the time. I was glad she wasn't in the car. That fear chills me. I would have failed to keep her safe. And had she been hurt I don't think that I would ever have forgiven myself.
I have - or had - a Honda Civic - one of the old types, not the new futuristic ones. I chose it because I found that I could get my chair into the car without too much difficulty. I also thank my brother-in-law for insisting that I get a car with a high safety rating. I thought that he was being picky at the time. Maybe not so picky, after all. When you get hit at speeds of over 40 mph side on, its your car that gets the whack. But its your spirit that feels the bruises.
Whatever frame they put around the car, it was solid. I'm going to be writing to Honda and NCAP for keeping me alive. It might sound small and unneccessary, but its important to me.
Accidents happen, so the saying goes. That's why we have insurance. The people who say that don't know how soul destroying motor insurance companies are. Especially when you make a claim.
After the accident, I was sitting in my chair on the pavement, waiting for the RAC to pick the car up and take it to the garage. I don't remember being forceful with the paramedic to say that I was okay and I didn't need to go to hospital. To say that I was in shock was an understatement. Its human nature for people to slow down and look and the smashed up cars as they drive by. People want to know about the misfortunes of others. Its annoying and depressing and the stare and assess and make conclusions. But, sitting here now, I know that its human nature. Maybe those people are just glad that its not them, I don't know.
I didn't need to go to hospital. I was in shock yes, but not physically hurt. I had a lot of stuff going on, disability-wise, and I had only been at the hospital a few hours before. But I was okay. More or less. I think that I didn't want to leave my car. I don't know if I thought it then, but I definitely had that thought at night, before I went to bed. I am used to knowing that outside my bedroom window, on the driveway, my car sits there.
Here's the thing about accidents. They're normal and they happen. My rational mind knows this. You don't ever contemplate that they're going to happen to you.
The other part of me.... the other part of me now feels vulnerable, and exposed. My car was hit, and damaged to the extent that it was not financially viable to repair. Whilst it was my car was hit, I know that for the past few weeks, I've been feeling winded and stunned.
Now I should be grateful. Nobody was hurt. I have a wounded sense of self, but "the main thing is that the only damage was to the car". Those people are trying to be helpful, but the words sound oddly hollow to me.
But a car to me represents a control over my life. An independence, that I'd never understood or appreciated until it was taken away by force. I'm trying to nail down exactly what's going on with me. And I think that its the sudden change. No, the sudden impact on my life. In my world.
A couple of weeks on and I have a new second car car. Again, a Civic, but a couple of years old than the one I had before. And this one is silver, as opposed to black as my old one was.
I sat behind the wheel of my "new" car over the weekend.. It's dashboard, is almost the same, but certain dials are different colours. I'm glad for the difference. I think that its the small things that are going to keep me sane.
It represents a return to independence, or normality, whatever that is. Maybe a step forwards away from a difficult episode. As I write this, I anticipate sitting behind the wheel again. It will not be my first time since the accident. I drove a courtesy car for five days after the accident and because there were a few differences wtih the hand controls and the car, I was very.... anxious? no, a little highly strung would be more accurate. I had only just come away from one accident and had no desire to be in another. Yes, MoreTh>n were good enough to get me a car with hand controls. They came up with the goods, surprisingly. For a while.
"As long as you're not hurt..." that's what they say.
I tell myself that its going to take time, for my mind to move forward. it won't happen overnight. One step forwards.
One day at a time.
It was mid afternoon. Dry weather, no rain. I was crossing a busy road, cutting straight across. I was in my car, not, thankfully on foot. I would not be here writing if I was on foot, or rather, in my wheelchair.
I saw a clear gap, and made my move to cross. I was three quarters of the way across when my car was hit. The sound of one car hitting another is one of the most distinctive sounds in the world. I've heard it before and I didn't expect to hear it again.
Near misses happen all of the time. Every day, every hour, every minute, somebody has a near miss. Both parties might be shaken for a second, then life takes over and they move on. But sometimes people aren't so lucky, and its not a near miss.
A witness - one of my closest friends - said that the other driver was speeding.
He must have been, because I saw the gap as clear. I don't remember. I felt his car slam into mine and then may half a second later the airbags went off. Exploded in my face. I didn't know what the hell that was. I know now. But I felt like my own car was punishing me for being hit.
I was hit. Well, my car was. On the passenger's side.
I've put it that way deliberately. I was hit. I thank whatever gods are out there that my girlfriend was not in the car at the time. I was glad she wasn't in the car. That fear chills me. I would have failed to keep her safe. And had she been hurt I don't think that I would ever have forgiven myself.
I have - or had - a Honda Civic - one of the old types, not the new futuristic ones. I chose it because I found that I could get my chair into the car without too much difficulty. I also thank my brother-in-law for insisting that I get a car with a high safety rating. I thought that he was being picky at the time. Maybe not so picky, after all. When you get hit at speeds of over 40 mph side on, its your car that gets the whack. But its your spirit that feels the bruises.
Whatever frame they put around the car, it was solid. I'm going to be writing to Honda and NCAP for keeping me alive. It might sound small and unneccessary, but its important to me.
Accidents happen, so the saying goes. That's why we have insurance. The people who say that don't know how soul destroying motor insurance companies are. Especially when you make a claim.
After the accident, I was sitting in my chair on the pavement, waiting for the RAC to pick the car up and take it to the garage. I don't remember being forceful with the paramedic to say that I was okay and I didn't need to go to hospital. To say that I was in shock was an understatement. Its human nature for people to slow down and look and the smashed up cars as they drive by. People want to know about the misfortunes of others. Its annoying and depressing and the stare and assess and make conclusions. But, sitting here now, I know that its human nature. Maybe those people are just glad that its not them, I don't know.
I didn't need to go to hospital. I was in shock yes, but not physically hurt. I had a lot of stuff going on, disability-wise, and I had only been at the hospital a few hours before. But I was okay. More or less. I think that I didn't want to leave my car. I don't know if I thought it then, but I definitely had that thought at night, before I went to bed. I am used to knowing that outside my bedroom window, on the driveway, my car sits there.
Here's the thing about accidents. They're normal and they happen. My rational mind knows this. You don't ever contemplate that they're going to happen to you.
The other part of me.... the other part of me now feels vulnerable, and exposed. My car was hit, and damaged to the extent that it was not financially viable to repair. Whilst it was my car was hit, I know that for the past few weeks, I've been feeling winded and stunned.
Now I should be grateful. Nobody was hurt. I have a wounded sense of self, but "the main thing is that the only damage was to the car". Those people are trying to be helpful, but the words sound oddly hollow to me.
But a car to me represents a control over my life. An independence, that I'd never understood or appreciated until it was taken away by force. I'm trying to nail down exactly what's going on with me. And I think that its the sudden change. No, the sudden impact on my life. In my world.
A couple of weeks on and I have a new second car car. Again, a Civic, but a couple of years old than the one I had before. And this one is silver, as opposed to black as my old one was.
I sat behind the wheel of my "new" car over the weekend.. It's dashboard, is almost the same, but certain dials are different colours. I'm glad for the difference. I think that its the small things that are going to keep me sane.
It represents a return to independence, or normality, whatever that is. Maybe a step forwards away from a difficult episode. As I write this, I anticipate sitting behind the wheel again. It will not be my first time since the accident. I drove a courtesy car for five days after the accident and because there were a few differences wtih the hand controls and the car, I was very.... anxious? no, a little highly strung would be more accurate. I had only just come away from one accident and had no desire to be in another. Yes, MoreTh>n were good enough to get me a car with hand controls. They came up with the goods, surprisingly. For a while.
"As long as you're not hurt..." that's what they say.
I tell myself that its going to take time, for my mind to move forward. it won't happen overnight. One step forwards.
One day at a time.
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Portal. Part 3
Author's note: This is part 3 in a series. I would recommend that you check the blog history to read Parts 1 and 2 first. All comments graciously welcomed!
file 2:
portal 3:
I woke up with a start. Where the hell am I today? Travelling is hell because there's no sense of continuity. I know that most people crave the ability to "just get away from it all." Spend enough time doing that and all that you find yourself doing is "getting away" and that at some point you can't even remember what you were getting away from in the first place.
Then the memories come back with a flood and as usual, I was left feeling drained and washed out. I didn't know that I'd fallen asleep, but there you go. Falling through the cracks in the universes can just leave you messed up.
My second thought was that I wished that I had a watch.
Watches are cool. They could have all kinds of funky gizmos on them: a tiny light, some of them had compasses (which was only good, I found out, if you were on a planet called Earth - if you weren't those things just went crazy). But the most important thing that a watch could do, I found, was tell the time.
I would know what time it was. Whether or not it would be relevant, or even accurate, on this planet was something that I didn't know. Until I'd been on Earth I didn't know that such a thing existed. When I did, I don't know how we lived without them. Oh, we knew that time would pass, but we had no way to mark it.
But I guessed that it was past midnight, or at least what passed for midnight here. The temperature had dropped considerably. The fire was still going, but only just. Michelle was still awake, tending to the fire, I saw.
The campfire was in a wide clearing. At some point I had moved away from the group, to sit on the ground and lean against a tree for support. I just needed to be away from the heat and the light for a while. And the people. Definitely away from the people.
Most of Kadir's men were asleep, but one or two were awake and walking around. Guarding us.
"You're awake." said a voice "Finally."
I sat up.
Xira looked down at me, silhouetted against the firelight.
"Took a long while until we... you know... were alone again."
"I don't want to be alone with you. Ever. Again."
"Come on, after all that we've meant to each other?"
"Xira, I thought that I was rid of you. That you were gone from my life."
"I know." She dropped into a crouch beside me. "And yet here I am. Funny how things work out, isn't it?"
"F**ing hilarious." I said.
"Now now. Language language."
I sighed.
"What do you want?"
"I want to be off this rock. Hurry up, will you?"
"What makes you think that I'm going to let you come with me?"
"What, you're not going to let me stay here are you? With your family?"
They're not my family, I thought, and was surprised by this.
"Oh come on Ray. You know that you need me and that you were going to have to get me sooner or later don't you?" she left that one there for a minute "We both know that you need me to get the princess back. After all, how else are you going to get the Crysanteum?"
"Is that what you believe? That I can't do this without you?" I asked "Believe what you want. I'm not responsible for your beliefs. Or you."
I slowly got to my feet. Lying on a cold hard ground? Not a good idea. I wouldn't recommend it. My body was stiff and aching and tired and I was seriously fucked off. All I ever wanted to be was Home and now that I was here, I wanted to be Someplace Else.
"I've got to rescue my brother." I said. "From a big ugly dangerous demon." I took a deep breath, hoping that it would kick start the circulation in my body. "I'm glad I'm here because I've got a score to settle and I might die in the process. But if I do I plan on taking it with me. Now if we survive that," I said "We'll talk about you coming with me. Not before."
I deliberately walked away. I was acutely aware that she had two handguns stashed away on her. If she wanted to, she could kill me. But if she did that, she'd be stuck here forever.
You're home, a voice said in my head, you should be happy.
But "home", I realised, was a memory. One which told me that I had been happy whilst I was there.
Home. Where the heart belongs.
But I couldn't bring myself to feel happy to be home. Ever since.... Ever since... I'd been on the move, unconsciously keeping so busy that I'd kept parts of my life at bay. Home. With family. Hmmm.
For those of you who are keeping score I wasn't doing very well in the family stakes. One brother was dead. Another had been kidnapped and the other was...where?
Kadir, where are you?
Below the firelight of the campfire lay the darkness of the forest. The forest itself finished off any night vision that they campfire-light had killed, but I could not bring myself to the notion of letting the fire die.
Kadir, where are you?
The thought that I might have lost yet another brother tugged at my conscience at me but I needed more facts before I let my mind confirm that one.
I could not believe it. I would not believe it.
I walked the circumference of the clearing. Nothing. I talked to the people on watch. Nothing.
Then I talked to Michelle.
"He's safe." She said.
"Safe?" I echoed "Safe where?"
"He said...that he needed to be on his own. He needed to talk to the spirits to seek their guidance."
Spirits???
"How long has he been doing this?"
"He was doing this when I first met him. He would come back knowing what to do. I know that he's safe. I can feel it."
I stood up and headed back out. I still didn't know what time it was and that thought annoyed me, because I couldn't tell how long he'd been gone.
"You have to relax and have patience." Michelle said. "Worrying will do you no good."
Eventually he came back from the shadows. He stopped at the periphery and then walked directly over to me.
"You're still awake." he said.
"Yes." I didn't know who I was more annoyed at: him before being gone, or me for worrying about him. "I'm not the only one it seems." I said.
"I'm thinking about our plan of attack."
"And?"
"And maybe its better if we don't."
"Don't what?"
"Attack."
"So what are you thinking, have a chat?"
"No, making a bargain."
"A bargain? What have we got to bargain with?"
But even as I asked the question I thought that I knew the answer. Like father....
Kadir paused "We need to find out what he wants. And then we need to give him what he wants without all of us dying in the process."
"What could we possibly have that he wants?" I asked out loud.
"The important thing would be that we're talking to him." said Kadir. "If we're talking then surely he's not killing us? We have to consider all options."
I'd heard that line before. The problem was that I knew Aashen better than Kadir did.
Now instead of thinking of things not to say, I realised that I hadn't thought about Home for such a long time. Not in that way, anyway. My association with Home was linked with Aashen and I think that was because I'd failed in my attempt to remove him from the world.
When I thought of Aashen I thought of Leshka, and I realised that I'd been trying to avoid thinking of Leshka, because those memories were painful. Away from here, they seemed like a different world, like those memories belonged to someone else, not me. But being back made my throat tighten and I felt like I was being suffocated.
But Aashen wasn't really a talker. He would keep discussing things with you, right up until the moment he killed you.
I had seen him do it before.
I didn't know about other demons. Maybe they were more receptive to work with other beings.
Although the campfire was still burning, I could feel the temperature dropping.
"You're quiet." he said at last. "You don't approve?"
"I didn't say that." I said "But I think that if he wanted to talk, he has had plenty of opportunity to do so."
Kadir watched me, thinking. He was going to say it. It had taken him long enough. The very second that I had seen him - and found out where we were - I knew that I would be having this conversation.
"You know, when I saw you fall from the mountain I thought you were dead."
I didn't say anything.
"Well, at first we all thought that you were dead." Kadir sat down on one of the logs near the dying fire. "But Father said that it was possible that you had ... travelled." He sat quietly for a moment, probably, I thought, reliving the moments. "We couldn't find a body. Your body."
Kadir turned to head back to the warmth of the campfire. I watched him walk away and could almost hear the thoughts flowing through his mind.
He turned, almost slowly. "Now that you're here, alive and well after all this time, it proves that Father was right. That you did travel." He took a step forward towards me. "I'm not asking how you did it. " Another step. "I'm not even asking where you were." Another step. "I'm asking why you came back now."
"Does it matter?" I asked, evasively. "I'm here. Isn't that the important part?"
"Will, will you leave again?"
I nodded.
"When?"
"When Anteya is safe."
He seemed to consider this.
"Its difficult keeping the peace." He said, after a moment's silence. "The outlands have over 50 villages now. The further we branch out the more we see of the sacred zones where the demons walk. The Imperial Guard does not leave City walls unless to go to war. They will not fend for us. So we have to fend for ourselves."
"Why are you telling me this?"
There was a long silence and I had a feeling of dread that I hadn't felt for a very long time.
"I didn't do this for me." he began.
"Do what?"
Silence.
"Do what?" I repeated.
"I did what I was told to do." said Kadir in a surprisingly small voice.
"Kadir," I could feel myself losing patience now. This was beginning to feel to familiar. I knew where this was going. I was just hoping that I was wrong. "what were you told to do."
"Make a deal for the greater good."
"And that means?"
I didn't think that he heard the tone of my voice.
"Exchange the Traveller for our safety."
There. He'd said it.
"Oh you stupid, stupid..." at that point I was lost for words but it didn't really matter, because I gave him a right jab which lined him up for the left-handed knockout.
Wham!
And despite the blood rushing to my ears, I was conscious of a click behind me
(should have checked behind you, Ray)
(silly mistake)
because that was why Kadir had made sure that he had my full attention...
(it's over)
BANG.
I stiffened automatically tensing myslf for the bullet that never came.
"He's down." said Xira behind me. "I didn't kill him." she added defensively.
I turned slowly as my back was still half-expecting a bullet.
Xira stood there. Two guns in two hands. One covering the downed guard, the other covering the group near the campfire who were scrambling to their feet having heard the gunshot.
I turned back to look at Kadir who was crumpled on the ground happily for me bathed in darkness as he was on the wrong side of the firelight.
"You just knocked your brother out."
"Yes."
"I mean, you knocked him out."
"Yes."
"But.... but.... he's your brother..."
I wanted to say something dry, but words were failing me. In the end, I thought that silence was the best answer.
"So what are we going to do now?" Xira asked.
"Rescue Anteya, fight the demon and save the day."
"In that order?"
"Yeah, why not?"
to be continued.....
Copyright 2012. All rights reserved by the author.
file 2:
portal 3:
I woke up with a start. Where the hell am I today? Travelling is hell because there's no sense of continuity. I know that most people crave the ability to "just get away from it all." Spend enough time doing that and all that you find yourself doing is "getting away" and that at some point you can't even remember what you were getting away from in the first place.
Then the memories come back with a flood and as usual, I was left feeling drained and washed out. I didn't know that I'd fallen asleep, but there you go. Falling through the cracks in the universes can just leave you messed up.
My second thought was that I wished that I had a watch.
Watches are cool. They could have all kinds of funky gizmos on them: a tiny light, some of them had compasses (which was only good, I found out, if you were on a planet called Earth - if you weren't those things just went crazy). But the most important thing that a watch could do, I found, was tell the time.
I would know what time it was. Whether or not it would be relevant, or even accurate, on this planet was something that I didn't know. Until I'd been on Earth I didn't know that such a thing existed. When I did, I don't know how we lived without them. Oh, we knew that time would pass, but we had no way to mark it.
But I guessed that it was past midnight, or at least what passed for midnight here. The temperature had dropped considerably. The fire was still going, but only just. Michelle was still awake, tending to the fire, I saw.
The campfire was in a wide clearing. At some point I had moved away from the group, to sit on the ground and lean against a tree for support. I just needed to be away from the heat and the light for a while. And the people. Definitely away from the people.
Most of Kadir's men were asleep, but one or two were awake and walking around. Guarding us.
"You're awake." said a voice "Finally."
I sat up.
Xira looked down at me, silhouetted against the firelight.
"Took a long while until we... you know... were alone again."
"I don't want to be alone with you. Ever. Again."
"Come on, after all that we've meant to each other?"
"Xira, I thought that I was rid of you. That you were gone from my life."
"I know." She dropped into a crouch beside me. "And yet here I am. Funny how things work out, isn't it?"
"F**ing hilarious." I said.
"Now now. Language language."
I sighed.
"What do you want?"
"I want to be off this rock. Hurry up, will you?"
"What makes you think that I'm going to let you come with me?"
"What, you're not going to let me stay here are you? With your family?"
They're not my family, I thought, and was surprised by this.
"Oh come on Ray. You know that you need me and that you were going to have to get me sooner or later don't you?" she left that one there for a minute "We both know that you need me to get the princess back. After all, how else are you going to get the Crysanteum?"
"Is that what you believe? That I can't do this without you?" I asked "Believe what you want. I'm not responsible for your beliefs. Or you."
I slowly got to my feet. Lying on a cold hard ground? Not a good idea. I wouldn't recommend it. My body was stiff and aching and tired and I was seriously fucked off. All I ever wanted to be was Home and now that I was here, I wanted to be Someplace Else.
"I've got to rescue my brother." I said. "From a big ugly dangerous demon." I took a deep breath, hoping that it would kick start the circulation in my body. "I'm glad I'm here because I've got a score to settle and I might die in the process. But if I do I plan on taking it with me. Now if we survive that," I said "We'll talk about you coming with me. Not before."
I deliberately walked away. I was acutely aware that she had two handguns stashed away on her. If she wanted to, she could kill me. But if she did that, she'd be stuck here forever.
You're home, a voice said in my head, you should be happy.
But "home", I realised, was a memory. One which told me that I had been happy whilst I was there.
Home. Where the heart belongs.
But I couldn't bring myself to feel happy to be home. Ever since.... Ever since... I'd been on the move, unconsciously keeping so busy that I'd kept parts of my life at bay. Home. With family. Hmmm.
For those of you who are keeping score I wasn't doing very well in the family stakes. One brother was dead. Another had been kidnapped and the other was...where?
Kadir, where are you?
Below the firelight of the campfire lay the darkness of the forest. The forest itself finished off any night vision that they campfire-light had killed, but I could not bring myself to the notion of letting the fire die.
Kadir, where are you?
The thought that I might have lost yet another brother tugged at my conscience at me but I needed more facts before I let my mind confirm that one.
I could not believe it. I would not believe it.
I walked the circumference of the clearing. Nothing. I talked to the people on watch. Nothing.
Then I talked to Michelle.
"He's safe." She said.
"Safe?" I echoed "Safe where?"
"He said...that he needed to be on his own. He needed to talk to the spirits to seek their guidance."
Spirits???
"How long has he been doing this?"
"He was doing this when I first met him. He would come back knowing what to do. I know that he's safe. I can feel it."
I stood up and headed back out. I still didn't know what time it was and that thought annoyed me, because I couldn't tell how long he'd been gone.
"You have to relax and have patience." Michelle said. "Worrying will do you no good."
Eventually he came back from the shadows. He stopped at the periphery and then walked directly over to me.
"You're still awake." he said.
"Yes." I didn't know who I was more annoyed at: him before being gone, or me for worrying about him. "I'm not the only one it seems." I said.
"I'm thinking about our plan of attack."
"And?"
"And maybe its better if we don't."
"Don't what?"
"Attack."
"So what are you thinking, have a chat?"
"No, making a bargain."
"A bargain? What have we got to bargain with?"
But even as I asked the question I thought that I knew the answer. Like father....
Kadir paused "We need to find out what he wants. And then we need to give him what he wants without all of us dying in the process."
"What could we possibly have that he wants?" I asked out loud.
"The important thing would be that we're talking to him." said Kadir. "If we're talking then surely he's not killing us? We have to consider all options."
I'd heard that line before. The problem was that I knew Aashen better than Kadir did.
Now instead of thinking of things not to say, I realised that I hadn't thought about Home for such a long time. Not in that way, anyway. My association with Home was linked with Aashen and I think that was because I'd failed in my attempt to remove him from the world.
When I thought of Aashen I thought of Leshka, and I realised that I'd been trying to avoid thinking of Leshka, because those memories were painful. Away from here, they seemed like a different world, like those memories belonged to someone else, not me. But being back made my throat tighten and I felt like I was being suffocated.
But Aashen wasn't really a talker. He would keep discussing things with you, right up until the moment he killed you.
I had seen him do it before.
I didn't know about other demons. Maybe they were more receptive to work with other beings.
Although the campfire was still burning, I could feel the temperature dropping.
"You're quiet." he said at last. "You don't approve?"
"I didn't say that." I said "But I think that if he wanted to talk, he has had plenty of opportunity to do so."
Kadir watched me, thinking. He was going to say it. It had taken him long enough. The very second that I had seen him - and found out where we were - I knew that I would be having this conversation.
"You know, when I saw you fall from the mountain I thought you were dead."
I didn't say anything.
"Well, at first we all thought that you were dead." Kadir sat down on one of the logs near the dying fire. "But Father said that it was possible that you had ... travelled." He sat quietly for a moment, probably, I thought, reliving the moments. "We couldn't find a body. Your body."
Kadir turned to head back to the warmth of the campfire. I watched him walk away and could almost hear the thoughts flowing through his mind.
He turned, almost slowly. "Now that you're here, alive and well after all this time, it proves that Father was right. That you did travel." He took a step forward towards me. "I'm not asking how you did it. " Another step. "I'm not even asking where you were." Another step. "I'm asking why you came back now."
"Does it matter?" I asked, evasively. "I'm here. Isn't that the important part?"
"Will, will you leave again?"
I nodded.
"When?"
"When Anteya is safe."
He seemed to consider this.
"Its difficult keeping the peace." He said, after a moment's silence. "The outlands have over 50 villages now. The further we branch out the more we see of the sacred zones where the demons walk. The Imperial Guard does not leave City walls unless to go to war. They will not fend for us. So we have to fend for ourselves."
"Why are you telling me this?"
There was a long silence and I had a feeling of dread that I hadn't felt for a very long time.
"I didn't do this for me." he began.
"Do what?"
Silence.
"Do what?" I repeated.
"I did what I was told to do." said Kadir in a surprisingly small voice.
"Kadir," I could feel myself losing patience now. This was beginning to feel to familiar. I knew where this was going. I was just hoping that I was wrong. "what were you told to do."
"Make a deal for the greater good."
"And that means?"
I didn't think that he heard the tone of my voice.
"Exchange the Traveller for our safety."
There. He'd said it.
"Oh you stupid, stupid..." at that point I was lost for words but it didn't really matter, because I gave him a right jab which lined him up for the left-handed knockout.
Wham!
And despite the blood rushing to my ears, I was conscious of a click behind me
(should have checked behind you, Ray)
(silly mistake)
because that was why Kadir had made sure that he had my full attention...
(it's over)
BANG.
I stiffened automatically tensing myslf for the bullet that never came.
"He's down." said Xira behind me. "I didn't kill him." she added defensively.
I turned slowly as my back was still half-expecting a bullet.
Xira stood there. Two guns in two hands. One covering the downed guard, the other covering the group near the campfire who were scrambling to their feet having heard the gunshot.
I turned back to look at Kadir who was crumpled on the ground happily for me bathed in darkness as he was on the wrong side of the firelight.
"You just knocked your brother out."
"Yes."
"I mean, you knocked him out."
"Yes."
"But.... but.... he's your brother..."
I wanted to say something dry, but words were failing me. In the end, I thought that silence was the best answer.
"So what are we going to do now?" Xira asked.
"Rescue Anteya, fight the demon and save the day."
"In that order?"
"Yeah, why not?"
to be continued.....
Copyright 2012. All rights reserved by the author.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
2012: Windows reboot in progress
2012: Windows restart.
Welcome to 2012.
Happy New Year to all who read the blog and welcome to those who are new. I hope that 2012 brings you all that you could wish for and more.
Windows restart in progress, please wait...
A new year means a new start. We set goals and plans for the next twelve months and the more cynical of us say that those plans don't last past the third week of January.
For me I achieved one of my aims last year and started writing continuously. And that worked for a while, with the setting up of the blog and Portal being my first on-line creative project. Then Life got in the way and it all went haywire.
(incidentally Haywire is a film that I'm really looking forward to this year, but, as Shakespeare once wrote, I digress...)
Classification time: I'm an aspiring writer. Emphasis on the aspiring bit. As the title of the blog suggests, I'm on this journey and like all journeys, its not in a straight line. There are detours, wrong turns and sometimes the satnav does direct you to the middle of the lake.
(That might be an English joke - UK only). Sorry.
Oh, and yes, sometimes we have to go backwards to go forwards. Take now for an example.
New readers and it may help old readers too (all four of you) to read Portal parts 1 and 2 and the interlude again. Because the next part, part 3, will be posted on Sunday, and I will get back into the swing of things.
This is going to be a big year, with so much to do, so much to write about.
Big changes are in the pipeline.
New readers and it may help old readers too (all four of you) to read Portal parts 1 and 2 and the interlude again. Because the next part, part 3, will be posted on Sunday, and I will get back into the swing of things.
This is going to be a big year, with so much to do, so much to write about.
Big changes are in the pipeline.
Windows reboot rcomplete.
Take care and thank you for reading. Enjoy.
Joe.
Joe.
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